FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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