he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
my poor anus
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
