He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
then he tried to convert me to islam
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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