if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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