Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I can't turn off my feet"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
