I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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