I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
