One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
