so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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