forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
