Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
