I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
