Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
