If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
