You don't have asthma, your pregnant
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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