saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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