It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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