is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
