tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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