hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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