I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
