My cat gives me a boner
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
