should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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