Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
