This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
