Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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