u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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