I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
