i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
