Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
