She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
