I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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