Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize