On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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