I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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