doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
