I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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