Please, let me fuck your mom
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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