The maid of honor just puked.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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