I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
