I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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