he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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