last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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