I'm eating all of the evidence.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
