I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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