Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
