And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
