I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
