david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
