life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
