I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
