my mouth tastes like poor choices
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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