I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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