Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
