im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
