In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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