i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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