I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He passed out mid-signature
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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