i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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