If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
