Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
