I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
