I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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